I teach kids, therefore I drink.

Some interesting pupils around at school.
Exhibit A
I could hear the sound of something repeatedly bashing against metal earlier this week. A colleague came in, explained there was a pupil repeatedly headbutting a locker and asked 'What do I do about this?'. Senior management were quite happy that we 'leave him to it'. He was encouraged to find something more wholesome to do and since has been seen wandering around school with a huge red welt on his forehead.
Exhibit B
There was a fictional pupil last year. Although the set lists were checked to make sure this name wasn't wasn't some obscure form of child cruelty: Mike Oxbig.

Goal of the decade

British Teacher Arrested

A school teacher from Manchester was arrested today at John F.Kennedy International Airport, he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.' 'When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Dogs

A couple of interesting developments this week, all school related.
As Peter Kay recalls "Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school". Well that day for me was yesterday morning at approx 8.30am when a dog shot past me on the corridor and disappeared round the corner before I could wake up and realise what had just happened. The pesky mutt was shepherded into the Maths office, where the female members of staff (predictably?) scarpered/reprimanded colleagues for bringing pets into school/went hysterical after noticing it was a 1 of the 4 breeds of dog considered dangerous by the Home Office. A pit bull.
But the most sinister event happened later that day. Clearing the table in the office we couldn't trace the owner to a bottle of drink. The liquid inside was clear and pale yellow in colour. Worst suspicions were disregarded until today, when the liquid had become 'cloudy' and a couple of tentative 'sniffs' confirmed it wasn't fruit juice. A full sniff was made by a colleague who nearly dry wretched, and another colleague proclaimed 'Seriously, something has to be done about this. We can't just have people coming into our office and p***ing'. The merits of asking the science lab to confirm what we are 99% sure of are being considered, though this won't do the department's image any good....

Be-MUSE-d

Happy New Year. I still don't think teachers get enough time off...to prepare and mark things and stuff. Anyway after a restful break in Windermere over New Year (involving navigating myself and a trusty companion into a swamp, farmers rubbish dump and then a LAKE of silage) I am back in school. The theme for this week from two of my different classes involves likening my appearance to Matt Bellamy from the band MUSE. I don't see a strong likeness, but there are plenty of worse things my colleagues have been called.